The Moggfather: why the minister for Brexit alternatives must get extra Sicilian

I’m massively excited by Jacob Rees-Mogg’s efforts to disgrace his homeworking civil servants again to the workplace. Many have been crucial of the passive-aggressive and relatively Dickensian notes left by Rees-Mogg and his aides on officers’ desks, however I’m trying ahead to testing out the speculation in my very own home setting.

For many who missed the minister for Brexit alternatives’ démarche, he has taken to leaving little printed notes on desks which carry the phrases: “Sorry you have been out after I visited. I stay up for seeing you within the workplace very quickly.” This has been accompanied with not-so-subtle media briefings about all method of revenges to be rained down upon civil servants who proceed to earn a living from home.

Admittedly, there’s a little bit of a contradiction in ministers who spend an inordinate period of time deriding their officers as an obstructive and ineffective “blob” additionally moaning about them not being within the workplace. It’s virtually a variant on the previous Woody Allen joke: “My officers are horrible, they usually’re by no means round once you want them.” Thoughts you, if the notes do work, then they are often expanded to all method of different workplace abuses. Subsequent up, lengthy lunches: “Sorry you have been out after I visited at 2:01pm.”

To this point, Rees-Mogg’s transfer has merely generated the supposed complaints about condescension and threatening behaviour from the civil servants, although, presumably, these needed to be emailed in. One has to sympathise with the poor officers who’re being “Mogged off”, however the moaning is a reasonably unimaginative response. They could have hit again en masse to reschedule the missed conferences so they might supply their ideas on Brexit alternatives. A number of weeks of filling up his diary with occasions he didn’t actually need ought to do the trick.

Anyway, I see actual scope for this strategy at house. I’ll now be leaving notes within the spawns’ bedrooms. “Sorry you have been out when the dishwasher wanted unloading. It seems to be ahead to seeing you in your subsequent go to to the kitchen.”

Different choices may embrace: “Sorry you have been out after I was checking whether or not you continue to wanted your Netflix subscription. BBC4 is trying ahead to seeing you.” It would even work on the neighbours. “Sorry you have been out when one more considered one of your bloody packages arrived.”

However the apparent limitations of making an attempt this delicate snark at house recommend that, whether or not one agrees or not along with his need to power workers again to the workplace, Rees-Mogg is severe. If his endeavours are to work, nevertheless, he wants a bit extra menace.

A black arrow with a terse message on parchment fired by way of a window on to the officers’ desks would definitely increase the risk degree. In fact, he might want to double-check that there actually is nobody there, in any other case he could change into sorry they have been in. Then there’s at all times the previous upturned drawing pin positioned on chairs left vacant for too lengthy — at all times an excellent favorite at my faculty — although you don’t need the official instantly signing off sick with tetanus.

Alternatively, a Sicilian message, like a lifeless halibut, to let workers know their division could possibly be sleeping with the fishes — in different phrases redeployed to Grimsby — if the numbers within the workplace don’t improve quickly. The Godfather additionally gives the previous severed horse head as an choice. I’m unsure beheading horses is an efficient search for a cupboard minister, however a drawer filled with decapitated My Little Ponies would definitely appeal to consideration. It’s not fairly as scary, I admit, however you may get 9 for below £50 on Amazon. Serial absentees may additionally be despatched an invitation to the prime minister’s shock party.

Dwelling visits with a few heavies may assist unfold the message. A pair of thickset males popping spherical and expressing the hope that “nothing occurs to your pretty desk by the window. We’d hate to see it stuffed by somebody with out such pretty footage of their household.” Or, worst of all, “because you’re so eager on working from house, we’ve determined to switch you to the Dwelling Workplace.” However that, as they are saying, is the nuclear choice and at this level the Mogging Off continues to be on the stink bomb finish of the spectrum.

Comply with Robert on Twitter @robertshrimsley and electronic mail him at

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